Thoughts from the Post-Scriptum

I had originally posted some of my own thoughts along with this poem but decided the poem stands better on its own, so I've edited out the entry.

Soneto XVII

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

~Pablo Neruda "Cien sonetos de amor"

Sonnet 17

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

~Pablo Neruda "100 Love Sonnets"

this past week i moved into my own apartment, it's a small basement and there are probably seventeen million things wrong with it but i don't care i'm in love with it.

new apartment, new beginnings... things are finally looking up!

i've been nesting most of this week, getting things organized in the new apartment, doing way too much shopping for functional items (i.e. toilet paper, garbage cans, that sort of thing) and just trying to get organized and settled into the space. i finally got things more or less how i wanted them two days ago, put away all my clothes, broke down boxes to put into recycling and started to feel at home. i had to buy a dresser and a few other items from ikea but now when i walk into the apartment i just feel like i'm home.

it's a nice feeling, especially after everything that has happened over the last couple of months, to feel like things are going to be ok when my key turns the lock and i step into my place. yesterday i put together a coffee table and washed dishes, then i walked down the street and rented videos, it feels almost grown up, almost normal, is this what being an adult is like?

on an unrelated note: there is a person, i don't want to jinx it or really get into the details of it right now but needless to say it feels nice to get cute emails and text messages from time to time.

"Masculinity, or to be more precise, the traditional trappings of masculinity -- stalwart and stoic talk, an attraction to the rough and outdoorsy, a blunt demeanor -- are, to me and my kind, merely a handful of behavior patterns to be pulled out of the dress-up box, another form of drag."

~RM Vaughan

i'm completely addicted.

i've gone to cherry bomb at least four times this week, they have some of the best dark roast coffee i've ever had... and i've had a lot!

it's become a bit of a ritual actually, i get up, check my email, yawn and stretch and then trudge down to the cafe to get a large dark and a scone... while i don't mind the coffee i need to stop buying the homemade scone which is equally delicious!

if you're in the roncesvalles neighbourhood at some point check them out!

i've come to realize that no matter how hard i try to be the "together" version of myself

do other people have "together" versions of themselves? do images of who they wish they could be populate their minds and make them feel inferior?

"together marcos" is someone who can do work in the mornings, who doesn't end up covered in doritos crumbs when he has his friends over, who doesnt drink, smoke and curse too much, who doesn't like to be up till all hours of the night because its the only time things seem to get done. it's that version of myself that i think people would probably like more and would fit in better with the rest of the world.

sometimes, not often, but sometimes the self loathing kicks in and then i get really down on myself for not liking to get up early or for really enjoying working all night and then sleeping all morning. i tried being a morning person, several times in fact, and i absolutely hate it.

but why the compulsion to keep trying?