Thoughts from the Post-Scriptum

when you're single, and sometimes feel really alone there is nothing like really good friends to remind you that you aren't the tragic person that you think you are in your head.

thank god for chosen families.

i just ordered my first pair of no-sweat shoes! well, two pairs actually, a pair of high-tops (with part of the proceeds going to the amazing advocacy organization CODE PINK) and a pair of low tops.

i'm excited for them to arrive in the mail :)

i'm sipping on a glass of champagne as a treat to myself for finishing the last bit of coursework towards my master's degree today.

Today I was heading home from a class that I'm auditing at Ryerson, it had been a pretty good day thus far: I was wearing my ratty jeans and plaid t-shirt with my Kenneth Cole shoes and I was amused by the contrast between outfit and footwear (my cute patent leather pair, but not "shiny shiny" just shiny). I also had my "dirty harry" bag, which I rarely use but like to pull out when I feel it's a day for accessories... Ok I'm rambling.

I was walking down the stairs into the subway at Yonge/Dundas Square and then I turned into the station and there was a man lying face down on the floor of the station. At first I didn't know what to think, to be honest I just wanted to move through as fast as possible. Then I saw the pool of blood around his head which was growing quickly.

Obviously a crowd quickly gathered, cell phones were whipped out at lightning speed and I think 911 probably got about 12 simultaneous calls (how do they handle the simultaneous calls? I wonder what sort of filtering system is employed, how do they know which are extra calls and which aren't?)

At first I thought he died and it really freaked me out, especially because I found that I couldn't move. I was one of those stupid "let's crowd around" people. I hate those people and there I was being one of those people. I was staring at him, he then took a breath. Thank-god. Unconscious but still breathing, someone checked his pulse. People wanted to move him, we convinced them not to in case he had a spinal cord injury, a paper towel/napkin/kleenex brigade tried to remove as much of the blood away from his face.

The paramedics showed up and a few of us lingered, I got on the subway and went on with my day. I can't get the image out of my head, the dark red blood on the floor of the subway, the man's painting easel on the steps.

Let me preface this by saying that I am fully aware of how insanely self-absorbed this next part is given that I am thinking about myself. The thing is that experiencing that has made me feel so alone and the feeling hasn't left yet insomuch as it is punctuated with remembering the dark red colour of brain blood on a subway floor.

the subway incident left me really shaken for a few days, i mostly hid in my apartment and ordered chinese food... i seem to be doing that a lot which could explain why i suddenly feel like a giant hefty bag most of the time.

on friday i finally realized that i do this too often: i retreat and spent too much time pondering and stressing myself out instead of just brushing myself off and working through it. i've made myself a promise that i will leave the apartment every day just to ensure that i don't end up becoming the crazy cat lady.

i was invited to a party on saturday by one of my former professors, i have to say it was probably one of the coolest parties i've been to. an incredible mix of people, dj, projection screen... it was just awesome.

glad to be feeling a bit better.

i FINALLY called my landlord about the dryer not working and my bathroom light (it's been wonky for awhile now). i always feel really weird calling to ask him to fix things and i usually just leave him a message. i need to be better about just asking for what i need and not sitting on things for months at a time. (insert the obvious mention about my passive-aggressive tendencies here).

the internet in my apartment has been wonky for months: i call rogers and they have me restart the modem and network several times, it doesn't work and then they send a technician (this has happened three times). the last time i had someone come to look at the connection he informed me that squirrels had damaged the outside cable and that a special crew would be by to fix it within a day or to.

fast forward to this morning, i call rogers because yet again the internet isn't working properly only to find out that the special crew came but didn't have the part so they left without doing anything. today's customer service person told me that he would send someone within twenty four hours... rogers you can expect a strongly worded letter for your on-going incompetence. telecomm services in this country are pathetic, these large monopolies mean that the customer is left paying way to much for terrible services. grrrrr.

now my primary form of interaction with the world is online, i do all my banking, emailing and all my teaching prep through the internet. not having a connection is not really an option for me so i'm sitting in a cafe with free wifi and feel like some sort of vagabond or tourist having to rely on an open wireless connection. needless to say there will be no banking until my secure connection is back up and running.

it's been a busy day, read for class this morning, had class and then ran a bunch of errands i even bought a proper gym bag today. i can now feel better than all the unaccessoried bitches at the JCC. in workout related news i feel as though my arms are going to fall off from doing weights the other day, i forgot how painful the first few weight sessions can be the day after. i bought some A5-35 today at the drug store. i'm trying to be better about taking care of myself and just recognizing that i really don't want to have obesity related illnesses by the time i'm 35, time to start taking care of this crap now.