Thoughts from the Post-Scriptum

prayer request

2008-04-17T16:06:47Z

if you believe in prayer can you shoot one in my mom's direction today please?

llorar

2008-04-14T16:58:25Z

Yesterday I cried for everything I feel that I can't tell my mother: how I resent they way she handled my coming out so many years ago; the anger that resulted from it and how I've only recently come to terms it; how I feel as though despite everything I've accomplished I'll never be good enough for them because of who I am. I cried for thinking these thoughts, I cried because despite these thoughts and despite knowing that she is going to come through this the possibility of losing her terrifies me so much that it reduces me to tears. I cried because this has made me feel so alone, I cried because despite being surrounded by people who care and have sent me loving messages and been there for me I feel isolated. Thanks largely to Gillian for being on the other end of the phone line yesterday I've managed to calm down, but I wanted to put this "out there" in case someone else is going through this and needs to know that they aren't alone in feeling this way.

i love this...

2008-04-14T00:35:33Z

"I will be quiet, I swear, never open my mouth, nod obligingly, keep myself to myself for good and all. And yet, even as I swear it I know it's nonsense and impossible for me. I can't keep my mouth shut. I never could." Hagar - "The Stone Angel" by Margaret Laurence

gin + coltrane

2008-04-06T03:45:45Z

a cold gin martini+ john coltrane = goodness. i just thought everyone should know.

start spreading the news...

2008-04-02T03:01:45Z

It's official, I'm moving to Vancouver in September for my PhD. I have to say it's a constant oscillation of emotions between overjoyed and angry, part of me thinks this would be a really good move, it means a fresh start in a new city and a whole lot of adventure. the other part of me is disappointed and sad that i have to move away.

winter just wasn't my season

2008-03-27T08:13:41Z

it's been a really intense week. last week i received an acceptance to the sfu school of communication PhD program. i could feel the tension i've been carrying around for the last two years begin to unwind, the hard work i've done finally paid off. i was in! i don't remember the last time i felt so excited and happy about something, well actually, i've been lucky in my academic career i've had several of these blessings along the way telling me that i was actually good at what i was doing. the constant feelings of insecurity were, at least for the moment, gone and replaced with a feeling of immense pride in what i had done and managed to accomplish. like all good things though this quickly came crashing down around me... i once commented on the blog that anytime my professional life was starting to go well my personal life would fall apart around me. it was good friday and i was at my parents place just clearing some snow away from the patio, my mother stepped out and asked me to come inside for a minute, visibly shaken and with a tremble in her voice. i was sure someone died, and i started to run through the worst case scenarios in my head as i went into the house. never in my wildest dreams did i think i would receive what was waiting for me. "i had my mammogram in january, there were some spots that they wanted to look at, i had a biopsy a few weeks back and it turns out that i have cancer." i don't think there is a feeling that can quite match your mother telling you this. the closest sensation i can think of is picture having your insides completely emptied out run through a blender on the "smoothie" setting and poured back into your body. i kept trying to understand what my mother was telling me but all i heard was 'mammogram' and 'cancer' over and over again. we talked briefly, she cried and i held her as she sobbed, we reassured each other that they caught it early, and then we cried some more. she was to go in on monday to receive the full prognosis and discuss treatment options. the weekend was blurry. i went out that night and self medicated with shots of tequila, metaxa and gin martinis, all i could think about was my mother and what was going to happen to her. i initially was going to cancel my plans but in classic form she insisted that i resume my regularly scheduled activities. as i stood there in the bar i quickly realized that it was all bullshit: the bar, the boys, the booze... it was all bullshit and while i sat there being a moron my mother was grappling with the news that she had cancer. most of the weekend was a blur, in classic moldes family form we didn't really talk about it or mention it except in the moments to reassure her that everything was going to be okay and we'd get through it as a family. my sister, who was to fly out to las vegas for a conference re-scheduled her trip to take my mom to the oncologist so she didn't have to go alone and because of her medical background... it's always good to have someone to speak the lingo in the room. they got back home and i was waiting on the porch, the day was sunny and the air was crisp and fresh, i remember thinking it was a beautiful day and i saw them coming down the sidewalk. they got inside, nobody spoke. those moments felt eternal as i watched my mom take off her coat and put the kettle on to make tea. finally i broke the silence and asked what the doctor said. i don't remember the specifics all i heard was "early detection" "surgery followed by radiation and possibly chemotherapy" "90% success rate in treatment". i know she's going to be okay. i know that. she's get through this and i'll be there every step of the way to help in any way i can. but even the very notion of existing in a world without my mother has me so terrified that i can't even imagine it. i've been the outcast in my family for as long as i can remember and the one person who has been there through everything is my mother: the suicide attempt, the bouts of the depression, moving away to university and coming back for grad school. she's been there and while not always understanding me or who i am as a person she's pushed me and encouraged me to do my best, to be proud of my roots, she's pushed me to dream and to dare to demand the best in myself. nobody should feel this scared.

intersected

2008-03-17T15:31:03Z

this past weekend i presented a paper at the Communication and Culture Graduate Student's conference. i can't remember the last time i was that nervous, the room was filled with friends and colleagues all of whom i have tremendous intellectual respect for. add to that one of canada's tier one CRC's and you can imagine how nervous i was. (she is also on the admissions committee for my PhD... natch.) the first five minutes of the paper were pretty jumbled, my palms were sweaty, my voice was trembly, it was not so great. once i calmed down and got to an altitude of 35,000 feet everything improved. i'd never presented in front of people i actually cared about before, normally i go to conferences where nobody knows me for that very reason but i have to say the 20 minutes of discussion after my presentation made me feel pretty damn great. i got several compliments on the paper which was nice, my intellectual Moriarty took some great delight in pointing out how nervous i was... sometimes people can be huge bitches. now back to the grind... will the foucault ever end?

the best gift in the world

2008-03-14T04:03:16Z

ladies and gentlemen if any of you love me and want to buy me the perfect birthday present in the world (april 15th) you will get me harvey magila the dancing rabbi. i am not kidding.

more obama propoganda

2008-03-13T17:35:45Z

we need someone this charasmatic up in canada...

no babies allowed

2008-03-13T17:17:37Z

i dream of a coffeehouse with bright windows, wifi and plenty of outlets, bottomless coffee and no children allowed on the property. tinto is great... except the coffee isn't bottomless and there are currently three small children that are a little to close for comfort.

tinto

2008-03-13T15:27:57Z

so whenever i try to work at home i find myself spending more time watching television, cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, making snacks, thinking about other side projects i want to work on, listening to podcasts, looking up information on wikipedia, facebooking, chatting, making phonecalls, checking up on my finances, looking at beautiful apartments i can't afford, looking at real estate listings and cursing myself for not becoming a trades person so i can afford a condo, making coffee, drinking coffee, wondering why i have such terrible heartburn after eight cups, switching to herbal tea, drinking herbal tea, looking at electronics i would like to buy, the ikea catelogue, blog posts that take way too long to write... i think you get the idea. i've been going to Tinto Coffeehouse to get work done, sitting by the window and writing. today the waitress recognized me and just asked "you're a large coffee right?" it's nice to be recognized. :)

Hilarious

2008-03-10T16:59:09Z

Shout-out to Neil for this because it totally made my week. Stuff White People Like I'm a little horrified at how many of these things I actually really like!

across the universe

2008-02-18T22:35:58Z

This ad appeared in my gmail adline today. Is this a hint from the universe?

i love this...

2008-02-15T15:14:54Z

off the top of my head

2008-02-15T05:24:34Z

warning... stream of consciousness ahead: slowly working my way through Butler's bodies that matter, seriously, how can you not love her work? it's so deep and wonderful, her ideas are so nuanced and delicious. she's infinitely complicated but simple at the same time her writing can be painful and difficult (can we say gender trouble?) or clear and precise. butler again tomorrow and then a little foucault... then hopefully a synthesis paper for my supervisor by 2pm on monday. funfunfun! i started the advanced teaching certificate at ryerson and while it's an amazing program and the skills i'm going to learn will be really useful i'm getting tired of the "teach with love" mantra in postsecondary education these days. teach by ruling with an iron fist... teach through tough love and fear. lately i can't stop thinking about PhD admissions and the terror of not getting in, knowing that my program is only taking 10 students and over 100 applications came in is seriously freaking me out. i'm pretty sure i was passed up for a SSHRC this year which has me bummed as well. more than anything if i have to tell my friends that i didn't get into a PhD program i don't know how i will deal with the shame and horror of being rejected. i'm wondering if maybe some time away from academia in "the real world" wouldn't be beneficial, i could always come back and do a PhD later... or take the corporate world by storm . i've been thinking about applying for some jobs and see what happens, maybe turn my CV into a resume and put some feelers out there. my contract is up in april and i'm out of funding in may. i've been spending a few days at my parent's place... since my dad busted his wrist he can't shovel the snow so rather than traveling back and forth i decided i'd hang out at home for a few days. while it's nice to have someone else cook and all the nice amenities of home i miss my laptop and wireless internet connection. i'm tempted to set up a wireless network here at home and have my parents join the rest of us in the 21st century, cables are just so 1999. it's been a fun few days but i want to go back to my apt. ASAP. so if anybody wants to take over my snow removal obligations just let me know... it's great cardio. i haven't been to the gym in days and i'm feeling utterly abject... i need to get back in the swing of things this weekend. i'm absolutely DROOLING over mac's new timecapsule and macbook air... while i'm several years away from another computer purchase i have to admit i understand the temptation. the machine may be a bit slower but i'm a little in love with the idea of having such a light notebook. i went to my first burlesque show and i LOVED it, it was campy and fun and i had a great time, i will most definitely be going again. any takers? finally bought a lemon zester for martinis today... i'm going to bring back the end of the day cocktail in my apt. i think. it just seems like a sensible way to end a hectic workday... with a three ounce serving of ice cold gin.