Thoughts from the Post-Scriptum

It seems only fitting that with the beginning of a new chapter in my life that my blog be wiped clean of its past. while i'm sad that my entries are no longer archived here jason has informed me that i can pull them from google cache.

this week is already proving to be intense, i moved into the new place on sunday and promptly celebrated with gillian (my new roommate) and kevin over four bottles of wine and far too much pizza. spent most of monday unpacking and setting up my office in the spare bedroom (which, i'd like to think is looking pretty snazzy.)

tuesday was spent working a golf tournament that i'll be at from thursday to sunday. when i got to sean's place last night i checked my email for the first time in a few days and as it turns out i had a class this morning at 8:30am i freaked out a little, resigned myself to my fate and now im here on campus.

the next few days are gonna be rough, long days plus trying to get myself ready for school but thanks largely to sean and gillian being really patient with me these past few days i think i'll be able to pull it off.

it's been a while since a proper post...

i moved in with gillian a little over a week ago, it's been a chaotic and hectic week. i spent most of the weekend working at a golf tournament which is thankfully over only to start classes this week. since i didn't have class today i spent it puttering around the house and trying to get my wireless router to work to no avail.

my surrogate grandmother isn't well, my mom has warned me to be prepared... needless to say i'm a little stressed about her. i can't help but feel as though she is my last grandparent who i actually had a relationship. my grandfathers and i didn't see each other much until my grandad moved in with us but by that point i was away at school most of the time.

a housewarming is on the horizon... every cloud has a silver lining.

busy weekend overall, saturday i was g's date to what could best be described as the WHITEST wedding imaginable. i felt a little uncomfortable at first but then i became friends with the bartender fernando who after a few heavily poured gin and tonics helped make me feel far more comfortable.

i met the infamous stepmother. wow. eyes as red as the fires of mordor. not to mention a drunken stumble that reminds me of my late night bar shifts at the pita shack.

lately i've been feeling really off my game. i sit down to write a blog entry but nothing swims to my head like it used to. i make plans then break them, i disappoint people, i forget to write things down and most importantly i don't feel particularily smart.

this may sound silly but i'm used to walking into a classroom and knowing that i was in the top 10 percent of the grade point average. it is a pretty comforting security blanket to have. it's a terrifying feeling for me to feel so average. i sit in classrooms full with the best and the brightest and i can't help but feel insignificantly small in comparison. maybe because i was so driven to get to this point i was actually pushing myself harder than i am now? i don't know.

i was talking with lucas and talked about how sometimes i wished i followed something a little more conventional rather down this foxhole of academia. while i know this isn't true sometimes i wonder if my life wouldn't be simpler if i was an accountant.

my thoughts are with you at this difficult time manDi...

can i just say the new starbucks down the street from my place has an awesome new sort of swanky feel to it? i love it! i just wish i could afford one of the gorgeous condos in the building to go with it!

i'm having my parents over for dinner tonight, at first i was freaking out about what the hell i was going to make for them but now that i have my menu planned out i'm not so worried anymore... i just hope that i don't start a fire. (don't worry gillian, i checked the fire extinguisher it's ready to roll!)

yesterday at the gym my trainer did my three month fitness assessment, i was really happy with how far i've come over the course of the summer. i was nice to feel like i'm actually getting somewhere, i feel invigorated by the numbers i saw!

there are so many things to be thankful for... here is a short list.

1. my health
2. walking in the annex this afternoon with s and eating ice cream.
3. my amazing friends
4. my family, both biological and chosen
5. school
6. having money to pay for it
7. the gym
8. bad t.v.
9. good t.v.
10. the amount of wine in the house right now.
11. and so much more...

apologies for being quiet lately, most of my creative juices have been directed to another project that i'm working on. learning to podcast, do some basic web stuff and all that jazz. when you are as technologically as inept as i am it takes a fair bit of time to work out all the kinks.

however, a side effect of learning all these new devices is that i'm feeling inspired to think of my own podcast/web thing... it is actually a lot of fun to sit down and work with sound editing software to produce something! i probably won't get to that until late december or the new year but that gives me some time to workshop it and figure out if this is something i would like to do.

life has been good, i've been productive and am starting to feel a little bit less lazy.

back to work.

i came back to sean's apartment after the gym and found the cat curled up on the couch sleeping...

damn, i'm jealous of a six pound tabby cat.

orko likes to sleep on the radiator vent. he lies there eyes closed and occasionally glances up at me long enough to give me look to remind me that the 600 square feet that we are currently occupying are in actuality his kingdom.

sometimes he allows me to pet him without protest, although most of the time when i pet him he looks at me with resolute anger and resigns himself to allowing me to cuddle him.

last night i headed down to the gladstone hotel to check out the launch of State of the Arts: Culture In Toronto.

i loved the book lauch last year albeit the smug west queen west attitude of most of the featured speakers, this year i LOVED the event even more especially because while the room was still full of west queen west attitude the panelists were really interesting and inspired me to think about my relationship to the city in ways i hadn't really thought of.

its nice to feel so privileged to live in this amazing city.

when i opened a draft of a paper i'm working on today i found this written on the last line:

I love my snarfy and hope that he never finds this sentence so then his professor can smile…

it's nice to feel loved.

the title of the entry is a czech proverb... i love it.

last night a few friends from undergrad came into the city, k was in from england for the holidays so a few of us decided that we were overdue for a get together. sean was sweet and let me host everyone over at his apartment; it's downtown which made it easier for everyone to get to.

we had a few too many glasses of wine, junk food and dessert then went out for a drink. the next thing i realized was that it was three in the morning and we stumbled back to the apartment.

it was nice to see everyone, i forgot how much i love just having a few friends over instead of the giant parties that gillian and i have been hosting lately. its nice to be able to spend more time with each guest rather than the five minutes i usually end up spending with each person.

it was nice to wake up this morning and go out to a greasy spoon for breakfast with everyone before we each went back to our routines with our vows of friendship renewed.

nights like last night remind me how blessed i am to have such a large group of friends. even if we don't get together all the time or talk as often as we probably should its nice to know that we can pick up where we left off.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman (1819 - 1892)

while i know that i've gushed about this song for YEARS i love this line:

i tried to dance britney spears, i guess i'm getting on in years

why is it that i think rufus wainwright is the musical equivalent of a good shiraz?

tonight at my annual chosen-family christmas known as detox-retox i admitted something for the first time in years:

it's time to go back into therapy.

it's scary to admit, and even a little embarrasing. i don't want to go back and dredge up why i feel like i need everyone to like me and why i feel the need to hate myself so much even when surrounded by people who love me.

i'm terrified, but i know things can only get better if i take care of this now.

i heart tintin

yesterday orko was feeling under the weather and we ended up taking him to the vet. the poor little guy vomitted three times and the vet is pretty sure he has a stomach bug. he gave him some meds, took some blood and sent him home.

i am definitely anxious about it, yesterday at the vet all i could think about was when sean got him and how sickly he was. then i thought about what if he needed to be hospitalized and how the hell we would pay for it. how do uninsured americans deal with this sort of crap when they are sick? the idea of not being able to see a doctor because i couldn't afford it terrifies me. even with all of the problems with the canadian health care system at least i know there will always be a doctor at the end of the 10 hour wait in the ER.

he seems to be doing better, at least now he's eating and keeping it down. it's always sad to see the little guy sick. i can't help but worry about him which makes me wonder if i would ever be able to deal with a sick child. probably not.

i really do.

i often find i get the giggles at meetings, funerals, whilst having sex, while fighting... all sorts of really bad times.

gillian and i have a particular talent for picking really depressing movies to see together, it started with crash, then it was deepa mehta's water and most recently it was the last king of scotland.

i don't want to ruin the movie but let's just say it's about Idi Amin one of Uganda's most brutal dictators, you know it's not going to end well. as we were leaving we both started giggling about eating too many licorice nibs and silly things in general. i think it's the way i cope when dealing with intense situations or information.

*giggles*

It only makes sense that as my personal life begins to fall apart that things in my professional life start to come together nicely. I got this email today, last year when I applied to sshrc I was cut in the first round, it's nice to know that I've made it through to the final stage this time.

The Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council acknowledges receipt of
your application to the Canada Graduate Scholarship - Master's.

Note: There is no document attached to this message. Depending on your
software, it may appear as though there is an attachment. If so, please
ignore the message.

while at the moma i saw jackson pollock's lavender mist, quite possibly my favourite painting or close to it.

standing infront of it looking at the swirls and splatters of paint i almost started to cry.

in other news, it's his birthday toda... happy birthday snarfy!

when i was little i wanted to go to Hillman College, just like the cast from "A Different World"

britney spears is a hideous bald woman, there i said it.

i joined facebook. fucking peer pressure.

This is the best news I've gotten in a really long time...

so as most of you know i'm a big basket case most of the time: i'm absent minded, i leave my socks lying around everywhere, there is usually a trail of crumbs behind me, i drink to excess, i curse, i can go from calm to fuming mad in 3.2 seconds or less.

not exactly a gleaming letter of reference.

and yet somehow i've managed to end up with someone who sees past all of my insanity and puts up with my demands, he let's me watch my t.v. shows even if it means kicking him out of the living room.

i must have been a hare krishna in a past life or something to get this sort of cosmic payoff.

this ends now.

i've been feeling out of sorts lately, i miss the crazy intensity that i felt when i was working on a project. the long intense night fueled by coffees, redbulls and lots of water, the bedraggled me that got shit done and did it well.

Sean and I broke up officially today.

I don't feel like talking about it, all I want to say is that I will never forgive myself.

i went to see a live stage show of "the rocky horror picture show" today...

omg i want a pair of chunky black boots!

cocktails at insomnia afterwards; bombay martini on the rocks with a twist. delicious!

the worst part of breaking up has been losing my best friend.

fuck.

summer semester is proving to be a whole lot more work than i anticipated, throw on top of that my sister's wedding, starting to think about PhD applications and funding proposals i feel like things just aren't slowing down at a time when i want to go outside and play in the sunshine.

heading to Saskatoon next week for a conference, that will probably be the extent of my travels this summer although i think i might try to go to vancouver for a few days in august (fingers crossed).

not much to report really... what a sexy single life eh?

i've spent a fair bit of time these past few weeks thinking about the breakup. what went wrong, what was my responsibility, what was the ex-factor's etc.

i'm not going to lie and say that things were his fault when they weren't. i bear a great deal of responsibility for the problems in the relationship, and while it takes two to tango i don't think its fair to talk smack about someone who was really great to me. i'd like to think things weren't completely my fault but i need to accept that a lot of the problems we had were some of my own issues as well.

i ended things badly, really badly and while i don't think i will forgive myself for that i can't continue to beat myself up about it and feel guilty. what's done is done. i've tried to apologize for it, it's time to move on.

i cannot wait to get on that plane tomorrow, toronto has left a sour taste in my mouth these last couple of weeks.

congress flew by, it was an amazing conference and i was genuinely happy to see so much amazing work coming out of my program. it made me feel like maybe, just maybe, i could see myself staying at york to do my PhD.

more than anything is was great to see the faculty from laurier again, i spent oodles of time hanging out with the junior faculty. most of them helped me along the way to grad school and gave me some really good advice. it was amazing to see penelope again and really have time to chat and hang out since i hadn't really had the opportunity to do that since convocation last year.

by the time i got back to toronto i was facing a full blown cold that is currently percolating its way through my body. there is nothing worse than a summertime cold let me tell you!

splurged on a few necessary office products through staples.ca today: a filing cabinet, a paper shredder... it all feels way too grown up!

my new paper shredder and filing cabinet showed up today. i've managed to shred every credit card statement i've received over the last three years.

it's fun to play office.

i saw rufus wainwright's new show on monday with gillian and allie... wow, i don't think he's ever disappointed me.

he played the whole new album, some old favourites and then closed the show with an AMAZING encore (i don't want to ruin it for those who might go).

my phone is so on vibrate for him :)

I had originally posted some of my own thoughts along with this poem but decided the poem stands better on its own, so I've edited out the entry.

Soneto XVII

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

~Pablo Neruda "Cien sonetos de amor"

Sonnet 17

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

~Pablo Neruda "100 Love Sonnets"

i've been nesting most of this week, getting things organized in the new apartment, doing way too much shopping for functional items (i.e. toilet paper, garbage cans, that sort of thing) and just trying to get organized and settled into the space. i finally got things more or less how i wanted them two days ago, put away all my clothes, broke down boxes to put into recycling and started to feel at home. i had to buy a dresser and a few other items from ikea but now when i walk into the apartment i just feel like i'm home.

it's a nice feeling, especially after everything that has happened over the last couple of months, to feel like things are going to be ok when my key turns the lock and i step into my place. yesterday i put together a coffee table and washed dishes, then i walked down the street and rented videos, it feels almost grown up, almost normal, is this what being an adult is like?

on an unrelated note: there is a person, i don't want to jinx it or really get into the details of it right now but needless to say it feels nice to get cute emails and text messages from time to time.

i'm completely addicted.

i've gone to cherry bomb at least four times this week, they have some of the best dark roast coffee i've ever had... and i've had a lot!

it's become a bit of a ritual actually, i get up, check my email, yawn and stretch and then trudge down to the cafe to get a large dark and a scone... while i don't mind the coffee i need to stop buying the homemade scone which is equally delicious!

if you're in the roncesvalles neighbourhood at some point check them out!

i've come to realize that no matter how hard i try to be the "together" version of myself

do other people have "together" versions of themselves? do images of who they wish they could be populate their minds and make them feel inferior?

"together marcos" is someone who can do work in the mornings, who doesn't end up covered in doritos crumbs when he has his friends over, who doesnt drink, smoke and curse too much, who doesn't like to be up till all hours of the night because its the only time things seem to get done. it's that version of myself that i think people would probably like more and would fit in better with the rest of the world.

sometimes, not often, but sometimes the self loathing kicks in and then i get really down on myself for not liking to get up early or for really enjoying working all night and then sleeping all morning. i tried being a morning person, several times in fact, and i absolutely hate it.

but why the compulsion to keep trying?

so i'm thinking about this as my next tattoo,
it's a spanish phrase (obviously) translated it means "I, the worst of all" if you're interested in hearing the story of the phrase i'd be happy to share it.

i'm soliciting the opinions of as many people as i can get, afterall, unlike babies or puppies a tattoo is not just for christmas, it's for life.

i'm thinking about asking sick kids for my hospital records/patient charts from my sojourn in the funny farm almost nine years ago.

maybe.

i was watching some old episodes of grey's anatomy the other day.

in one of them derek turns to addison and says "there is a land called passive aggressiva, and you are their queen"

i guess that makes me their king.

sigh.

why oh why do i have to like hello kitty and chococat paraphernalia? why couldn't i like something manly? like shitty domestic beer, or cars, or scratching my balls and talking about football and nailing hoes?

seriously, sanrio products? what's wrong with me?

It's been a really shitty two weeks, I think things are starting to look a little more shiny and good again, we'll see.

Some random cryptic updates (my nearest and dearest will know what I mean)

1. I have a new no-nonsense, tell it like it is, tough love lady in my life. It's hard hearing what she has to say sometimes but I know it'll be good in the long run.
2. He moved to Toronto, dates have been scheduled. I need to go shopping for an outfit and some serious girl-talk with close friends.
3. I have rediscovered my adolation of the gin martini with a twist. It's refreshing and tasty and helps fight off scurvy.
4. I am determined to purchase a credenza/sideboard in the next few weeks and am well aware of how gay that sounds. It will sound gayer when I mention that I am also looking for a fun decorative bowl/plate thing to put on top of it for my keys and cell. In other decorating news I am also on the lookout for a comfy reading armchair, I am trying to resist IKEA but my willpower is slowly cracking as I look at my cash flow and my desire to decorate. (I tend to nest when I feel scary and damaged, I think it's because I feel that if my home is a nice and warm place then I can't be that scary and damaged).
5. I am determined to teach myself to enjoy cooking. I still hate it.

I am actually really looking forward to getting back to classes and teaching again. I missed teaching more than I thought, it helped to provide structure in my day and gave me a routine. I am pumped for my new TA gig as it includes an office (well a desk in a shared office, but that counts right?) It'll be nice to be able to leave stuff in my office and not have to lug everything back and forth from campus like a gypsy (did I ever mention I was once cursed by a gypsy? true story). I think I'm going to try and head to campus at least three times a week, isolating myself in my apartment is making me go a little crazy.

I ripped this off of Joelle at Tenth Muse (I am so excited that she started blogging again!)

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1) Dry Cleaning Cashier (DO NOT ever get between a gay queen and his club gear m'kay?)
2) Starbucks Barista
3) Bartender/Server
4) Teaching Assistant

Movies I could watch over and over.
1) Todo Sobre Mi Madre
2) The Hours
3) Kinky Boots
4) Amelie

Four places I have lived:
1) Toronto, ON
2) Lake Louise, AB
3) Waterloo, ON
4) That's about it so far.

Four things I did this weekend:
1) Fucked up my sleeping schedule (Hence the 3am post)
2) Finished the essay
3) Went for a run
4) Bought new running shoes

"How do you know how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love, or too much to ask of someone? When is it all just too much for us to bear?"

~Grey's Anatomy

i can't really afford it right now, but i bought a new iPod nano.

and yes, i'm counting down the days!

about two weeks ago i had a moment that has changed everything, sitting there crying and finally recognizing what has been wrong for the last nine years has made me feel as though a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i am starting to feel more at peace, shifts in perspective have occurred, i no longer have a constant feeling of panic and anxiety at the pit of my stomach.

i'm learning to forgive myself and love myself and the process has been amazing. it's still new and a little scary but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

i just wanted to share that.