Thoughts from the Post-Scriptum

the imposter complex is a notorious condition that affects graduate students and academics the world over.

the imposter complex usually takes hold of unsuspecting graduate students and manifests itself through feelings of incompetence, insecurity and anxiety around whether or not they actually belong in the program of study they have undertaken. one of the major signs that you have been afflicted with it is a constantly feeling that you are going to be asked to leave the program because you are too stupid to be there.

my complex has been going full tilt for about two weeks now, i'm sitting in class listening to lecture and feeling as though any moment the nerd police are going to bust in and escort me off campus citing that i was let into the program by mistake.

make no mistake anybody in grad studies can identify what i'm going through and in fact i was forewarned about the imposter complex and how it would rear its ugly head as soon as i had my first lecture. sure enough it did.

i think i'm trying to deal with it the best i can although i know its affected the relationships around me, my ability to do simple tasks and the confidence in myself.

i've discovered a whole new level of neurotic.

i'm not going to lie these past few weeks have been some of the most trying times in a long while. the constant second guessing, feeling stupid, inadequate, thinking that everyone around me is secretly thinking to themselves "the admissions committee must have a really sick sense of humour."

thankfully i think i'm starting to feel a little more at ease, today for the first time it felt less like i was treading water desperately trying to keep my head above and more like i was slowly starting to swim. i think it happened when i was reading an article about the development of the telegraph machine and understood the article and was able to contextualize it.

if it hadn't been for S. these past few days i'm pretty sure i would have gone completely insane.

i was chatting with lucas briefly on chat today whilst in the middle of the newest emotional breakdown and suddenly i remembered something he had posted on his blog ages ago:

bill of rights,

you have the right to ask for what you want.
you have the right to say 'no' to requests or demands you cannot meet.
you have the right to express your feelings, positive or negative.
you have the right to change your mind.
you have the right to make mistakes and not be perfect.
you have the right to determine your own priorities.
you have the right not to be reponsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
you have the right to expect honesty from others.
you have the right to be angry with someone you love.
you have the right to feel scared and say 'i'm afraid.'
you have the right not to give reasons for your behavior.
you have the right to make decisions based on your feelings.
you have the right to your own needs for personal time.
you have the right to be playful and frivilous.
you have the right to be healthier than those around you.
you have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
you have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

you do. yes, you really do.

i printed it out, it now lives on my desk.

it's amazing how easy it is to cock up a blog by just tinkering.

my new links section (which is still being added to dear readers!) took me two hours to do! i accidentally erased my main index template twice.

So then had to figure out how to bring it back from the ether of lost templates.

Then I had to figure out how to add more modules to the sidebar by taking a module and tinkering around with it to get it to look like the others.

Following that I didn't want all my links in ascending order, i wanted to add them on horizontal lines. that wasn't hard but there wasn't enough space between each link and i couldn't figure out how to insert blank space. i spent like twenty minutes googling for "separator commands" and "blank space+html"

FINALLY I managed to find it on a site that made sense to me.

i also added a cartoon that brady (a friend in my grad program) drew for me... that's just fancy that's what that is! i absolutely love it! thanks so much brady!

fuck! what a good way to procrastinate!