prayer request
if you believe in prayer can you shoot one in my mom's direction today please?
April 17, 2008
April 14, 2008
llorar
Yesterday I cried for everything I feel that I can't tell my mother: how I resent they way she handled my coming out so many years ago; the anger that resulted from it and how I've only recently come to terms it; how I feel as though despite everything I've accomplished I'll never be good enough for them because of who I am.
I cried for thinking these thoughts, I cried because despite these thoughts and despite knowing that she is going to come through this the possibility of losing her terrifies me so much that it reduces me to tears. I cried because this has made me feel so alone, I cried because despite being surrounded by people who care and have sent me loving messages and been there for me I feel isolated.
Thanks largely to Gillian for being on the other end of the phone line yesterday I've managed to calm down, but I wanted to put this "out there" in case someone else is going through this and needs to know that they aren't alone in feeling this way.
April 13, 2008
i love this...
"I will be quiet, I swear, never open my mouth, nod obligingly, keep myself to myself for good and all. And yet, even as I swear it I know it's nonsense and impossible for me. I can't keep my mouth shut. I never could."
Hagar - "The Stone Angel" by Margaret Laurence
April 5, 2008
gin + coltrane
a cold gin martini+ john coltrane = goodness.
i just thought everyone should know.
April 1, 2008
start spreading the news...
It's official, I'm moving to Vancouver in September for my PhD.
I have to say it's a constant oscillation of emotions between overjoyed and angry, part of me thinks this would be a really good move, it means a fresh start in a new city and a whole lot of adventure. the other part of me is disappointed and sad that i have to move away.
March 27, 2008
winter just wasn't my season
it's been a really intense week.
last week i received an acceptance to the sfu school of communication PhD program. i could feel the tension i've been carrying around for the last two years begin to unwind, the hard work i've done finally paid off. i was in!
i don't remember the last time i felt so excited and happy about something, well actually, i've been lucky in my academic career i've had several of these blessings along the way telling me that i was actually good at what i was doing. the constant feelings of insecurity were, at least for the moment, gone and replaced with a feeling of immense pride in what i had done and managed to accomplish. like all good things though this quickly came crashing down around me... i once commented on the blog that anytime my professional life was starting to go well my personal life would fall apart around me.
it was good friday and i was at my parents place just clearing some snow away from the patio, my mother stepped out and asked me to come inside for a minute, visibly shaken and with a tremble in her voice. i was sure someone died, and i started to run through the worst case scenarios in my head as i went into the house. never in my wildest dreams did i think i would receive what was waiting for me.
"i had my mammogram in january, there were some spots that they wanted to look at, i had a biopsy a few weeks back and it turns out that i have cancer."
i don't think there is a feeling that can quite match your mother telling you this. the closest sensation i can think of is picture having your insides completely emptied out run through a blender on the "smoothie" setting and poured back into your body. i kept trying to understand what my mother was telling me but all i heard was 'mammogram' and 'cancer' over and over again. we talked briefly, she cried and i held her as she sobbed, we reassured each other that they caught it early, and then we cried some more. she was to go in on monday to receive the full prognosis and discuss treatment options.
the weekend was blurry. i went out that night and self medicated with shots of tequila, metaxa and gin martinis, all i could think about was my mother and what was going to happen to her. i initially was going to cancel my plans but in classic form she insisted that i resume my regularly scheduled activities. as i stood there in the bar i quickly realized that it was all bullshit: the bar, the boys, the booze... it was all bullshit and while i sat there being a moron my mother was grappling with the news that she had cancer.
most of the weekend was a blur, in classic moldes family form we didn't really talk about it or mention it except in the moments to reassure her that everything was going to be okay and we'd get through it as a family. my sister, who was to fly out to las vegas for a conference re-scheduled her trip to take my mom to the oncologist so she didn't have to go alone and because of her medical background... it's always good to have someone to speak the lingo in the room.
they got back home and i was waiting on the porch, the day was sunny and the air was crisp and fresh, i remember thinking it was a beautiful day and i saw them coming down the sidewalk. they got inside, nobody spoke. those moments felt eternal as i watched my mom take off her coat and put the kettle on to make tea. finally i broke the silence and asked what the doctor said.
i don't remember the specifics all i heard was "early detection" "surgery followed by radiation and possibly chemotherapy" "90% success rate in treatment".
i know she's going to be okay. i know that. she's get through this and i'll be there every step of the way to help in any way i can. but even the very notion of existing in a world without my mother has me so terrified that i can't even imagine it. i've been the outcast in my family for as long as i can remember and the one person who has been there through everything is my mother: the suicide attempt, the bouts of the depression, moving away to university and coming back for grad school. she's been there and while not always understanding me or who i am as a person she's pushed me and encouraged me to do my best, to be proud of my roots, she's pushed me to dream and to dare to demand the best in myself.
nobody should feel this scared.
